


Jamie vs The Food-O-Matic

by kathkin



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 11:59:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6703714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/pseuds/kathkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After taking on Cybermen, Macra and all sorts of other beasties, Jamie comes face to face with his most dastardly enemy yet: The Deltatron Food-O-Matic 10K!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jamie vs The Food-O-Matic

“Look, we’ve been _over_ this,” said Martin, the ship’s second engineer.

“Och, I _know_ ,” said Jamie. “It’s just – one more time?” He leaned on a computer terminal, being careful not to press any buttons with his behind. One more time, and then he’d understand it, he was sure.

“Look – light travels at approximately one hundred and eighty six thousand miles a second,” said Martin.

“Aye,” said Jamie slowly.

“So even if we could go that fast – which we can’t – Delta Centauri is _billions_ of miles away, so we’d all be dead before we got there.”

“If ye say so.”

“And _that’s_ why it’s so important that we get the wormhole generator up and running,” said Martin, “and that you _stop bothering me_. Capisce?”

“Erm,” said Jamie. In truth, he was still hung up on light having a speed. Light didn’t _go_ places. It just was. He’d asked the Doctor, when it had first come up, and got some confusing nonsense about how if you stood far enough away from earth and looked through a giant telescope you’d see big lizards. And what did any of it have to do with worms? He gave up. “Ach. I’m hungry.”

“Hmm? Oh.” Martin flapped his hand at the door. “Through there. The blue machine at the far end. Take your time!”

Rolling his eyes, Jamie hopped off the terminal and padded through the archway into the break room. It wasn’t hard to find the food machine; there were only two things in there, other than chairs and tables, and the other one was a machine that gave out water in sealed cups.

It was a tall blue box as tall as he was, with no markings or buttons, nothing but a black screen and a lot. He poked at the slot. It was empty. He poked at the screen.

With a blaze of light and a jingle of cheery music that seemed deafeningly loud, it activated. “Welcome!” said a woman’s voice.

“Hello?” said Jamie.

“Thank you for choosing the Deltatron Food-O-Matric 10K!” the woman went on. “Please tap the screen to order your meal. Or if you prefer, you can say your order out loud! The Deltatron 10K has full voice recognition capabilities!”

“I – what?” Jamie looked at the machine, horrified. Was there someone _in_ there? “Are you –” He peered around the corner of the machine. It was tall enough to fit a person, right enough, but not very deep. It couldn’t be comfortable, surely? “Are ye alright?”

“I’m sorry,” said the woman. “I didn’t catch that. Please repeat your order.”

The voice was coming from inside the box. There was no doubt about it. “Are ye trapped in there?” Jamie looked over the machine, searching for a door. “How do I get you out?” Lord, what kind of people were these, keeping lassies in wee boxes?

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” the woman said again.

“I said, how do I get you out?” said Jamie.

“Please repeat your order!”

“I didnae make an order.” Jamie stared at the machine, puzzled. It dawned on him that perhaps living in a wee box taking people’s dinner orders all day might have left the poor girl a bit funny in the head. “Och, ye poor thing.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”

“Aye, alright, alright,” said Jamie. “How do I open this thing?” He poked at the screen. It dipped slightly with a liquid sensation, but otherwise nothing happened. He’d have to try touching one of the pictures. He scrutinised them one at a time and saw – yes! A picture of an open door, tucked in the bottom corner of the screen. He prodded it.

“Thank you for using the Deltatron Food-O-Matic 10K!” trilled the woman.

“Eh?”

“Goodbye!” 

The screen went black.

“What?” said Jamie. “Hey, come back!” He prodded desperately at the screen. “Where’d you go?”

There was a flash of light and the same trill of music as before, and Jamie jumped back, startled.

“Welcome!” said the woman. “Thank you for choosing the Deltatron Food-O-Matic 10K!”

“Huh?” grunted Jamie. “Ye said that already!”

“Please tap the screen to order your meal. Or if you prefer, you can say your order out loud! The Deltatron 10K has full voice recognition capabilities!”

The buttons on the screen flashed encouragingly. Jamie peered at them, and peered at the box.

It occurred to him, belatedly, that he might not be talking to a real woman. After all, in his weeks travelling with the Doctor he’d met all sorts of odd things that could talk, like fish and metal men and trees. Maybe boxes could talk. How was he to tell?

Putting his mouth near the screen, he said, “are you a real person?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” said the box.

“I said, are you a real person?” he said, speaking as clearly as he could.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that! Please tap the screen to make your order.”

It _probably_ , Jamie decided, wasn’t a real person in the box. And even if it was, she sounded very bright and cheery about her situation, so it was probably fine. “Aye, alright?” he said. “Give me something to eat?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!” chirped the box.

“Erm,” said Jamie. “Can I have some dinner please?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t –”

“Och, I know,” Jamie moaned. “You didnae catch it. Alright. I’ll try the screen, shall I?” He’d seen screens like it before, the kind you had to poke with your fingers, and though the Doctor swore they were ‘intuitive’ he didn’t like them. He liked buttons. Buttons had substance and went _click_ when you pressed them. This was all smoke and mirrors.

He squinted at the pictures on the screen. None of them made any sense to him. Some were red and some were blue and they were recognisably food-shaped, but too small and cramped for him to tell what they were. He tapped a button at random. A red one. He liked red.

“You have selected, _sausage and mash_ ,” said the box.

“Oh, aye?”

“This is a premium meal option. Please input your premium meal card number and balance. If you prefer, you can speak your number and balance aloud!”

A row of squiggly symbols flashed at him. “Eh, what?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” said the box. “Please input your premium meal card number and balance!”

“I dinnae have a premium meal card number and balance!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”

“Ach! If you say you didnae catch that one more time, I’m gonnae give you such a kick!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”

Jamie resisted the urge to smack his head into the screen.

“Do you need help? Tap the bottom right of the screen or say _help_.”

“Erm. Help?” For once, it understood him – but rather than actually helping him, it filled the screen with scrolling text.

“Welcome to the Deltatron 10K Helper Wizard!”

“Wizard?” said Jamie. “Eh? What?”

“Please select from the following help categories: _food choices. Dietary restrictions. Voice control. Hardware. Premium. Other_.

“I, erm – premium?” Jamie stuttered.

“You have selected: premium! Please input or speak your premium meal card number.”

“But I dinnae have one!”

“To sign up for a premium meal card, just speak to your human resources officer.”

“My what now?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Would you like to start the helper wizard again?”

“Erm – I – no. Yes. Mibbe?”

“Welcome to the Deltatron 10K Helper Wizard!” recited the box.

“Och, _no_. Look, I’m really hungry! Can ye not just –”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Would you like to start the helper wizard again?”

“Ach!”

“Welcome to the Deltatron 10K Helper Wizard!”

“Stop sayin’ that, you stupid hunk of – ach, will ye no’ just give me something to eat?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”

“Stop _sayin’_ that!” Jamie prodded blindly at the screen.

“You have selected: hardware. Are you trying to: _change the synthesiser pack. Clean the chute. Replace the touchscreen cover. Other?_ ”

“What’re you _talkin’_ about, you – ach! Dinnae start over!”

“Welcome!”

“If ye play that daft music one more time I’ll –”

“I don’t know what you two are arguing about,” said the Doctor, padding along the carpeted floor towards him, “but I quite agree. Ghastly things.” He stopped alongside the box and rapped his knuckles on its metal flank.

“I was just tryin’ tae get some dinner,” said Jamie glumly. “It keeps – there it goes again!”

“Voice control! Premium! Hardware! Other?”

“Allow me,” said the Doctor. He tapped a small x on the screen and the scrolling text vanished. He tapped another mysterious symbol and the voice was cut off mid-word.

“ _Thank_ you,” said Jamie. He rubbed the back of his neck, a touch embarrassed. “Erm.”

“Hm? Erm what?” The Doctor rubbed his chin, glancing up from the red and blue pictures.

“There’s no’ someone is there?” said Jamie. “Is there?”

The Doctor stared at him, befuddled.

“The voice,” Jamie clarified weakly.

As he understood, the Doctor’s eyes crinkled at the corners and he began to chuckle. “Oh, dear,” he said. “Oh, dear, oh dear. No, there’s no-one in there. It’s a synthesised voice. A computer.”

“I thought it was something like that,” said Jamie with a sigh. “But I wasnae sure.”

“I don’t think a, ah, real person could be quite _that_ obtuse,” said the Doctor.

“I was tryin’ tae get her out,” Jamie confessed.

The Doctor looked at him, eyes wide, and collapsed into giggles.

“Stop laughin’!” cried Jamie. “Stop it! I was confused. And hungry!”

“I’m sorry,” said the Doctor, wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry. Oh, dear. Oh, Jamie.” He coughed lightly, suppressing a chuckle. “You really are wonderful. Has anyone ever told you that you’re wonderful?”

“Erm. No?” said Jamie, a touch bashful.

“Oh, really? Ah, well.” The Doctor tapped the screen, swiping through different red and blue pictures. “Let’s get some food in you. What were you after? Something sweet or something savoury?”

“I dinnae care,” said Jamie. “I’m fair famished.”

“Hmm, let’s have a bit of this,” said the Doctor, tapping blue icons. “And this.”

The screen flashed up some words. The words vanished, replaced by a revolving shape.

“You have to know how to talk to these things,” said the Doctor safely. “It’s all a matter of pretending to be very stupid. Shouldn’t be difficult for you, eh?”

“Oh aye – hey!” Jamie elbowed him. “That’s no’ nice.”

“I’m sorry,” said the Doctor, chuckling. “I’m sorry.”

The box whirred and there was a soft _thud_ of something falling down the chute. The Doctor reached in and plucked out several foil-wrapped bricks. Peeling them apart, he pressed one into Jamie’s hand. It was warm.

“Now, this _ought_ to be fish and chips,” he said. “Let’s see how it compares to the TARDIS, shall we?” Clapping Jamie lightly on the back, he guided him to the nearest table.


End file.
